Somehow
by Edio
Summary: Sam is feeling depressed about Freddie when she finds a notebook he left behind. Set after iSaved Your Life. SEDDIE ONESHOT.


**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly.**

* * *

Sam trudged slowly up the emergency stairs in Bushwell Plaza. Each footfall echoed through the empty stairwell from the roof all the way down to the lobby. Every so often, Sam would stop to look down the banister to see how high up she had come. Her friends would be surprised to learn that she, for the last five or six week, had taken the stairs instead of the elevator to get to Carly's apartment. _Anything to delay the inevitable_, Sam thought to herself. Lately it seemed to be getting harder and harder to bring herself to come over to Carly's after school. Actually it had been over a year now that she'd been having this difficulty - though she'd been feeling it more acutely in recent months. It had nothing to do with Carly. _Well, almost nothing_, she admitted ruefully. It had everything to do with a certain brown-eyed, dark-haired techie nerd, however.

The thought of him made her stop on one of the landings for a minute. Freddie Benson was her antithesis in every way. He was smart, polite, neat, and well-spoken – basically all the things she was not. Everything about him screamed that Sam should hate him with every fiber of her being - and she did… at first. For the first few years they knew each other, she strove to make his life a living hell. His type was her natural prey after all. Nerds and geeks knew to steer clear of Sam Puckett lest they pay for it in some horrible embarrassing way. At first she couldn't stand him. Especially the way he whined after Carly like a lost little puppy. It was pathetic. But slowly the little dweeb time and again showed Sam what he was really like. He was actually very funny and cute in his own nubby way. Freddie had wormed his way into her life and finally into her heart. And therein lay the problem.

Sam let out an audible sigh and continued walking. She wondered how many times she was going to have this conversation with herself. _Freddie is in love with Carly. Get over it Puckett!_ She groaned inwardly as if to answer, _I know. I know!_ She wanted to pull at her hair in frustration. She looked at the floor number as she passed another landing. There were only two floors left. _Why did you have to go and kiss him anyway?_ That was the point that Sam began to admit to herself that she had feelings for Freddie that went beyond friendship. But she kept her feelings to herself and was perfectly content to keep it that way. That was until a couple of months ago when Freddie saved Carly's life.

She was there when Freddie got hit by the taco truck. It was like a movie everything slowed down as she watched his limp form get tossed to the curb. Her heart stopped when she saw his body lay still and unmoving. Carly was the first one to reach him and called out his name. Sam couldn't move. Carly screamed for her to call 911 a couple of times before she snapped out of it. The rest of it was a blur. Seeing him get hurt was bad enough, but it was the aftermath of that event that really did a number on Sam.

When Carly told her she had kissed Freddie, Sam was furious without really knowing why. She felt like something very important was taken from her. She gritted her teeth every time she saw Carly hovering over him. Sam knew that Carly was just hero-struck and she struggled to keep herself from screaming at her that Freddie deserved better than that. Then came the day when Carly kissed him goodbye in front of her in the school hallway. The satisfied look on Freddie's face irritated the hell out of her. When Freddie sneered and asked her if she was jealous, she almost slapped the smile off of his face. Instead she did something worse without realizing it. She managed to convince him that Carly wasn't really in love with him – which may or may not have been true. Predictably he didn't believe her at first but the sincere little dork went and told Carly. There was probably nothing else he could have done that could have hurt Sam worse. By doing that, he proved that he didn't want to have just a superficial relationship with Carly.

That was what's been eating away at Sam for the last few months. Carly had told her what Freddie said - that he didn't want to be with her out of pity. He said they should wait until the hero worship feeling wore off and decide then if they should be together. Well, Freddie had been out of his cast for a while now and Sam dreaded each day since. She was afraid she would one day open the door to Carly's apartment and find the two of them in each other's arms. Sam shook her head to clear the image. She had no idea what she would do if that happened. When she glanced up, she realized that she'd reached door in question. Sam had no recollection of reaching this floor or even walking down the hallway to get there.

This exact moment had become a daily struggle for Sam. After a couple of deep breaths she reached for the doorknob but stopped halfway. Different possibilities raced through her imagination of what could be waiting for her on the other side. She suddenly felt out of breath and needed to get some air. Just like every other day, she walked quickly down the hallway to the fire escape and stepped out. She rushed to the side rail and took big gulps of air to try and calm herself down. She went through this ridiculous little ritual every day now and she had no idea how to stop it. She chided herself at the stupidity of the whole thing. She folded her arms across the top of the railing and buried her head in dismay. _Why is this happening to me?_

"Sam?" a familiar voice asked over her shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Freddie's voice hit her spine like a bolt of lightning. She stood up straight and turned quickly towards the sound. Freddie was sitting in the corner of the fire escape across from her. His book bag was in the small of his back for support while he had his knees tucked up against him. He looked like he'd been writing in a notebook on his lap. He was pulling out the earphones from his pear-pod. With a concerned look on his face he asked, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine," she shouted at him in surprise. "I'm okay. I'm just…" she struggled to explain away the situation but couldn't think of anything so instead she just turned away in embarrassment. She heard him grunt as he stood up. "I told you I'm alright, Freddork," she said as she turned around. She instantly regretted how harshly she'd said then when she saw him flinch.

"Obviously not," he said in a defensive tone. "What happened? Did you and Carly get into a fight - again?"

"What do you mean - again?" She was relieved to have something to argue with him about.

"Oh I don't know," he mocked. "It's just that for the last few weeks you have been in a terrible mood and you've been taking it out on everybody."

"I always take it out on you, nub. Why would that be any different?"

"Me," he scoffed dismissively, "I'm used to it." He furrowed his eyebrows when he continued. "But you've been taking it out on Carly too. That, in my experience, usually means you two are fighting over a guy." He ended the sentence by arching his brow questioningly.

"It's none of your damned business," she muttered darkly.

"I didn't say it was," he met her stare directly. There was something different about Freddie lately. He seemed more confident somehow. It was in the way he walked around and even in the way he talked to people, especially her. She wasn't sure if it was just something she never noticed before. It was as if he found out something about himself that he was completely sure of. Conversely, she herself seemed to have lost all self confidence. That was probably the real reason she was in an awful mood lately. Freddie had no idea how accurately he guessed the situation. In a way, she and Carly were fighting over a guy. Except that Carly had no idea she was in a competition at all and Sam knew that Carly could win it at anytime. The struggle of her emotions must have been showing on her face because Freddie asked again, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I said I'm fine," she answered bluntly. "I just came here to be alone." She scowled back at him. "Why are you up here Fredloser?"

He didn't answer her question. "Alright, suit yourself," huffed Freddie and walked back to the corner to pick up his bag. "I'll leave you alone if that's what you want." He seemed to be upset at her harsh reaction. Sam bit her bottom lip to keep herself from calling out to him and apologizing. Freddie ducked into the hallway and said, "I'll be at my place if you guys need me."

When he was out of sight she turned and pounded her palms into the concrete railing. "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" She repeated it over and over, realizing she just missed another chance to tell him how she really felt. _But what good would that do anyway? _She asked herself silently as she rubbed her sore hands together. _God, this is so pathetic._ She resisted the urge to scream at the top of her lungs. Instead she just stared emptily out at the city. She stayed like that for a while when the sound of paper rustling interrupted her thoughts. On the floor in the corner, she saw that Freddie had left his notebook. The pages were flapping open in the wind. She walked over and picked it up and was about to go downstairs to return it to Freddie when she noticed what was written on the cover. It said "POEMS".

Sam blinked a few times in surprise. She never knew Freddie was into that sort of thing. Curiously she opened the notebook and started to read. The first few poems were about stupid things that were close to Freddie's heart - computers, technology, video games - that sort of thing. She couldn't resist rolling her eyes as she read them. It was incredibly dorky - but cute at the same time. One was an unflattering haiku about Mrs. Briggs - that one made Sam chuckle. She kept leafing through the pages not realizing she ended up sitting in exactly the same position Freddie was in. It was fun to glimpse into Freddie's private thoughts. She only felt a slightly guilty about the whole thing. There were a couple of poems about friendship and family that she liked. There was even one about one of Spencer's sculptures. Sam was no expert, but she thought a lot of them were really good.

After a while she started to notice that there were quite a few pages torn out. She was puzzled over that until she realized that those were probably the mushy ones about Carly he didn't want anyone to find. Even though she wasn't entirely sure that was true, Sam couldn't help feeling a little jealous. Near the end, one poem caught her attention after the first couple of lines.

**Somehow**

-

I can't forget the time

When I first felt you lips on mine

The moment of our kiss

Wondering how it came to this

How could I have been so blind?

-

If only that one moment

Could last forever like the stars

I want you to be mine

Until the end of time

Somehow

-

Do you know everyday

That I admire you with each glance?

Afraid to say the words

So scared of getting hurt

Don't want to take a chance

-

If I say that I love you

Would you say it back to me?

So hard for me to show

How can I let you know?

Somehow

-

I'm always just pretending

When I see you every day

Inside my mind

I'm going crazy

Trying to find the words to say

-

Even though I know

My love for you will never die

I still don't know

If what I see

Within your eyes is not a lie

-

I'm waiting for the time

When I can hold you in my arms

If I had my way

I'd hold you every day

I'd keep you safe from harm

-

Feelings deep inside me

I'd no longer have to hide

We'd never be apart.

But would you break my heart

Somehow

-

I won't go on pretending

When I see you every day

Inside my mind

Still going crazy

Though I know which words to say

-

Even though I know

My love for you will never die

I need to know

That what I saw

Within your eyes was not a lie

-

No longer do I want

To just admire you with each glance

I want to say the words

Don't care if I get hurt

Won't miss another chance

-

When I say that I love you

Tell me that you love me too

Won't ever let you go

I need to let you know…

Somehow

-

Sam read the poem again and then a third time. The words echoed exactly what she was feeling. She didn't bother to wipe away the tears on her face. She just closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall. She would have given anything if only those words were meant for her. Her heart broke as she realized that was impossible. A small sob escaped her and she covered her face with her hands.

"Did you like it?" Freddie asked softly.

Her eyes snapped open in alarm. She saw him leaning against the other side of the fire escape watching her intently. Quickly she wiped her face on her sleeve. "How long…"

"Have I been here?" he finished for her and shrugged. "A few minutes. I came back when Carly asked about you. He walked closer and gestured towards the book in her hands. "I saw you reading that and I didn't want to interrupt."

Sam's eyes jumped guiltily to the book. "Oh my god! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…" She hurriedly got up to and thrust the book into his hands. She felt the heat of embarrassment on her face. Freddie looked like he was enjoying the situation immensely. "I'm so sorry," she apologized again and ran to the window.

"Wait," Freddie called out after her. "Sam wait!" He grabbed her by the wrist before she could escape. "You didn't answer me." She turned to face him but kept looking at the floor. "I asked if you liked it," he repeated. "The last one I mean."

She finally looked up at him. "I… I did," she stuttered, looking confused by the question. "It was beautiful. You're very good." She tried to recover some of her dignity by acting defensively. "Why does it matter what I think, anyway? You should show that to Carly and ask her instead."

Now it was Freddie's turn to look confused. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times and then suddenly broke into a wide smile. "Why would I do that?" He asked with mirth dancing in his eyes.

"Because," she said almost angrily, feeling like the butt of some private joke. "You know how she is with this romantic stuff. She'll lap it all up." She looked away from him and continued snidely, "I have to hand it to you nub, between saving her life and this I'm sure Carly will beg you to be her boyfriend."

His smile faded a little and he let go of her hand. "Actually, she did ask me – last month."

Sam's world was coming apart. "What?" Her voice was filled with hurt and anger. "You mean you two have been together for that long and you didn't tell me?" Right now she needed to lash out at something and Freddie was presenting himself as a nice, soft target. "How could you keep something like that from me? I thought we were best friends." Tears were welling up in her eyes again so she wiped them away furiously. Sam clenched her fist and was ready to smash it into the irrepressible grin that appeared on his face. His answer brought her up short.

"I just said she asked me. I didn't say I said yes."

Now completely befuddled, Sam just looked blankly at him as he continued.

"After everything that happened, I finally realized that what I felt for Carly was just like what you said. It wasn't as real as I thought it was - for both of us. So I told her no." When Sam didn't say anything, he opened the notebook back to the poem and carefully tore it from the page. He proceeded to fold it in half and in half again. "The only real thing I felt happened here on this fire escape a while ago." Freddie placed the folded piece of paper in her hand. "This is for you, Sam. It took me a long time and a couple of tries, but I'm glad you liked it."

Sam continued to stare at him in disbelief.

"Anyway, I told Carly how I really felt and asked her to keep it a secret until I found a way to tell you - somehow." Freddie smiled at his little joke. "I've seen you come out here a couple of times. I figured it would be the perfect place to tell you." He looked around the fire escape and said, "It's kind of a special place for me."

Sam tried to say something – anything, but she couldn't seem to make her muscles move.

Freddie looked concerned at her complete lack of reaction but continued anyway. "I know this was an awkward way to find out. Sorry about that. I wanted to tell you differently but you seemed to be upset about something today so I chickened out - again. I guess it all worked out in the end." He held up the book and smiled. When Sam still didn't react he said, "Look, I don't want you to answer me right now. We can talk about it later." Seemingly embarrassed, he walked past her and at the window said, "Carly's waiting for us. I'll see you over there." She listened as his footsteps faded away.

Sam stood there frozen for she didn't know how long. She felt the folded piece of paper in her hand but she still couldn't believe it. She slowly opened the sheet and read it once more, this time knowing that he had written it for her. Sam heard the echo of Freddie saying, _"This is for you."_There was a warm bloom in the center of her chest that made her smile. Suddenly, Sam jumped through the window and broke into a run down the hall, slipping and skidding at every corner. When Sam shouldered the front door open, she ignored Spencer's girly scream of fright and ran to the elevator. She pressed the call button repeatedly, but in just a few seconds decided it was too slow and ran towards stairs instead, knocking over everything in her way, including Spencer who was demanding to know what was going on. The steps she took two and three at a time and when she threw open the door to Carly's room, she called out, "Freddie!"

Alarmed, he turned quickly towards the sound of her voice. He didn't have a chance to say anything before she kissed him. She pulled away briefly and looked him in the eyes. "I love you, Sam," he said. She grabbed his collar and pulled him into a deeper, lingering kiss. She felt his arms wrap around her tightly.

"I love you too," she replied when they parted again. "But what about Carly?"

Solemnly, Freddie nodded. "I guess we should tell her," he agreed and looked over Sam's shoulder. "What do you think Carls?" Behind her, Sam heard Carly's high pitched squeal. "I think she's ok with it," he explained needlessly.

"Good," Sam nodded happily and then, not knowing what else to say or do, she kissed Freddie over and over again.

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Thnx for reading!

So this was another bit of SEDDIE I cooked up. The poem is something I wrote BTW so I do own that part of it. I just tossed it in with this bit of fanfic I was working on. ^_^ Hope you liked it.


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